101 Funny Facebook Status Updates

by Raja Habib on December 18, 2014

Thousands, if not millions, of Facebook users post funny Facebook status updates on a daily basis. These status updates get a lot of likes, shares and comments. We browsed tons of Facebook profiles and compiled a list of some hilarious Facebook status updates for you. If you want to get a lot likes or comments, you can use any of these.

funny facebook status updates

Funny Facebook Status Updates:

  1. Only in math problems can you buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
  2. Kidnapping? I prefer the term “surprise adoption”.
  3. I’ve never seen a tombstone that read: “Died from not forwarding that text to ten people.”
  4. I wish you could Google anything. Like, “Where the fuck is my phone?” and it would be like, “It’s under the couch dumbass.”
  5. Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
  6. I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
  7. Still waiting on the “Once you go black, you’ll never go back” episode of Mythbusters.
  8. If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared?
  9. Women’s ass size study: There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting. 30% of women think their ass is too fat, 10% of women think their ass is too skinny, the remaining 60% say they don’t care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn’t trade him for the world…
  10. If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I’d just laugh and search with them.
  11. I just watched my neighbor’s dog chase its tail for 10 minutes and I thought to myself, “Wow dogs are easily entertained” Then I realized, I just watched my neighbor’s dog chase its tail for 10 minutes…
  12. Friend texted me and asked “what does IDK stand for?” I said “I don’t know” she replied “OMG! Nobody does!”
  13. When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook for me just to freak people out. Things like, “hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”
  14. Ten years from now, one of the hardest challenges our kids will face will be finding a username that’s still available.
  15. Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight
  16. Dear Algebra, Stop asking us to find your X. She’s not coming back.
  17. You always have that bit of hope inside you during a fire drill, that your school is actually on fire.
  18. Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
  19. I never finish anyth
  20. A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.
  21. I want to throw a party with fake alcohol and see how many people act wasted
  22. Guns don’t kill people, dads with pretty daughters do.
  23. The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money
  24. Dear Google: Please stop being like my wife. Kindly let me complete my sentence before you start to give me suggestions.
  25. If people in horror movies listened to me they would still be alive.
  26. The kid next door challenged me to a water balloon fight. I’m just updating my Facebook while I wait for the kettle to boil.
  27. Wife: My gynecologist says I can’t have sex for two weeks. Husband: What did your dentist say?
  28. My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her. According to her lawyer, she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend.
  29. Stalking is when two people go on a long, romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
  30. 69% of people are able to find something dirty in every sentence.
  31. What’s the worst thing to do to a blind person? Leave the toilet plunger in the toilet.
  32. This guy bragged about getting 10 times the amount of girls I get, I laughed because 10×0 is 0.
  33. Let’s hope the zombie apocalypse doesn’t start in Kenya because there is no way any of us can outrun those bastards.
  34. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
  35. When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be “I left one million dollars in the…
  36. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car”
  37. That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent.”
  38. How much whiskey goes into cookies? I’m new to this whole baking thing.
  39. I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.
  40. That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
  41. OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?” ME: “You believe in love at first sight too.”
  42. Dad is it true that in some African Countries that a man doesn’t really know his wife until he marries her? Son that’s true in every country.
  43. Like this if you finger your butthole when you masturbate or you like pancakes
  44. I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
  45. Omg I just realized this room could be full of chameleons right now
  46. The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you’re having a velociraptor.
  47. Did you know you can add “boom” to the end of any sentence and it’s immediately awesome and you’re amazing? Boom.
  48. How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
  49. There are so many scams on the Internet now-a-days. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
  50. As we get closer and closer to the end of this sentence, I think it’s important that we lower our expectations.
  51. I hate it when people call dogs “stupid”. I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human shit?
  52. Most people call me “bad at pickup lines” But you? You can call me tonight.
  53. Thought I saw my ex walking down the street but she wasn’t busy sucking someone else’s cock so it probably wasn’t her.
  54. I’m happy, but not “Oprah just told me to look under my chair” happy.
  55. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
  56. Well, well, well, if it isn’t the guy whose name I don’t remember.
  57. Power Rangers taught me that the way to solve a problem is to pose in front of it aggressively until it explodes
  58. Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
  59. My son asked what marriage is like so I answered, “Its fine” and then gave him the silent treatment for three days.
  60. Sneaky Poo: When your girl is supposedly in the shower but then you hear the toilet flush.
  61. I wish I budgeted with my whole pay check as well as I do with the last fifty bucks of it.
  62. If you see a deer in the woods nobody bats an eye. Bring a deer into the office and everybody acts like they’ve never seen a deer before.
  63. My Retirement Plan depends on having at least one successful kid.
  64. He’s lol. I’m haha. I just don’t see this ever working.
  65. Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
  66. Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
  67. Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch Slurpee’s.
  68. If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
  69. The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
  70. I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
  71. Girls aren’t crazy, they just need reassurance that you love them and you’ll never look at that fucking whore again or I’ll show you crazy
  72. I have sexdaily. I mean dyslexia. Fcuk.
  73. Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
  74. STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN’S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.
  75. Damn girl are you Internet Explorer? Cause you’re not responding
  76. My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
  77. I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says “don’t be an asshole”
  78. Dear guys: Women don’t want pictures of your dick. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
  79. And then God said, “Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I’ll give women the power over which to control it.”
  80. No means no! Unless she’s dyslexic; then it’s on!
  81. That moment when you see your EX with that person they told you not to worry about during your relationship…
  82. Some people have way more dick in their personality than they do in their pants.
  83. It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
  84. The USA declared war on terror and drugs and there are more drugs and terror now. Next we should declare war on jobs and money, just saying
  85. Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
  86. An app that destroys your phone every time you’re about to text your ex.
  87. When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
  88. Apparently when your girlfriend says “fuck that bitch”, you’re not supposed to take her seriously.
  89. I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.
  90. Your face is giving me a headache; can you tone it down a bit?
  91. If you’re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on Instagram and then comment “you three look great!” Wait and grab popcorn.
  92. I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE FUCK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON-Never mind, I found it.
  93. I’m not opposed to man-scaping, but I don’t see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.
  94. Just tried to kill a spider with Axe Body Spray but it survived and is now making inappropriate sexual advances at me.
  95. I grew up believing I had special knees until finally realizing they weren’t saying knees.
  96. We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. Sent from my iPhone
  97. I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
  98. I would lose weight, but I hate losing.
  99. The second I get shampoo in my eyes, I’m 100% sure there’s a murderer in my bathroom.
  100. I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
  101. If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy.

That’s all folks! Did these funny Facebook status updates make you giggle? If you have more funny quotes or status messages, please do share with us and our readers in the comments below.

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